Response to Jesse’s Critique of “The Leashed Goat Bleats.”


This response has gravely delayed.

Anyway, I’m glad Jesse Jojo Johnson critiqued my poem, “The Leashed Goat Bleats.”
I do like to hear what he has to say about poems – my poems.

You may read what he had to say about the poem here: http://seriouspoetry.wordpress.com/2013/12/17/critique-the-leashed-goat-bleats/

My first point will be on that part of the poem where he stated that it is incomplete.
I see the point he made, and after several reads of my own poem I feel it could be edited to
make it complete at that part.
Thus:

But as the rope
Begins to fray,
And the goat
Unafraid.

could be:

But as the rope
Begins to fray
And the goat,
Unafraid,
It tugs!

I must confess that at that moment whiles writing that part I chose to be guided by rhyme mainly.
That, without doubt, resulted in that line being incomplete – “fray;” “un-a-frai-d”
And this is a problem I see with most the poems that rhyme, written by some Ghanaian poets I’ve read.
It was a big problem for me at first (in 2004 and 2005), it slightly is now.
I must quickly add that rhyming is not bad but it can awful if not done well.

Secondly, I intended for the poem to end with the goat dying as an allusion to the deaths that sometimes occur during a revolution:

The rope snaps!
The tree breaks!
And the goat now free,
Bleats no more
.”

In the end I just wanted the goat to die suddenly, to wipe of the slight humour in the poem off! – Yes, I used “goat” because using the word goat is somehow funny – Most the people who read the poem and “gave feedback,” told me they found it funny/laughed just because a goat was involved. They were however sad it died; they didn’t expect it to.

Finally, I will talk about what inspired me to write this poem.
This poem is political – specifically democracy. My thoughts about democracy of recent times is that democracy has eventually become a tool of deception. And this poem is a personal premonition about democracy – the people, are like the goat, and the bleating is a metaphor of their protest.
I do not hope for something bad to happen out of the ill-administration of what we call democracy, but to write about how it can suddenly take us by surprise! This may sound funny, like the scenery of goat bleating…tripping on a stone…
But just like how the goat dies if any grave situation springs up from the I’m-sick-and-tired-of-all-these-subtle-deception-of-democracy it won’t be funny anymore.

I never intended this idea to be expressed as poem, but prose – I initially wanted to qwerty it down as a prose
with the title, “The Reason Why The Leashed Goat Bleats.”

I guess I was lazy about writing it down and couldn’t decide what to specifically write about.
The poetry competition came along and since that was the major idea, for writing, in my train of thoughts I just decided to condense it into a poem.

It turned out quite well didn’t it?

3 Comments

  1. Efo Dela said,

    February 17, 2014 at 11:49 pm

    I’m not even sure how you guys are able to critique so beautifully.

  2. Asmah said,

    February 18, 2014 at 12:35 am

    Yes it did turn out well! and for your choice of using a goat as the hero of this tragic story and people finding it funny.(much to my uneasiness )…the contrast it draws on us sentient beings di33 we got to rethink. that poem is a poem.


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